Of signs and wonders.

I've always been the type of person who believed in signs (not the hocus pocus kinds), miracles and that everything happens for a reason. I believe that if we put God at the center of our lives, and if we allow Him to take control, He will. God has a plan for each and every one of us and for each and every life as long as we surrender to Him. I have been clinging on to this belief more so even now ever since my Giovanni had passed. After all, what better image to have than to have that of Giovanni so happy and at peace in heaven with Jesus. This thought comforts me. There is nothing better than knowing I've got the best "baby-sitter"... Jesus.

But of course, being humans and here on earth, there are times when the pain comes and I do believe that it will never go away. There will always be an ache in my heart that will only be complete when my time comes and I see my Giovanni again. These past few weeks since he has passed, there are some good days and some days that I just cry. It's a good outlet as long as I am able to pull myself together and "move on" afterwards. I do not see anything wrong with crying and missing my baby so much.

Last Sunday was a trying day for me. Everything just seemed "wrong". I felt down and out and just all around depressed. I missed my Giovanni but I also know that he would not have wanted me (and our family) to be this way... as I was heading to the priest for communion I decided to just surrender everything to God. I told him, "Lord, ikaw na bahala... only you can take away this pain and grief, only you can fully console us."

I prayed to My Giovanni. I prayed for a sign to reassure me that he is okay, happy w Jesus... So that we can be happy too even if we miss him so very much.

Yesterday I took the kids for trick or treat in makati and afterwards I went to visit Giovanni's crypt and there I got my answer. There was the sign. Right in his vase. Yellow flowers.

I love you Giovanni. Always and forever. 

Reflections on Giovanni's 40th Day

It was Giovanni's 4oth day last weekend. Time flies so fast but the heart never forgets.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss my baby Giovanni. Some days are better, I get busy with work and the other 2 kids and I get by pretty well. And then there are just other days when I can't help but think about my Giovanni all the time. Remembering all the memories and just wishing that he would could be here with me.

If there is one thing that I've learned to embrace in this unexpected events is that no one can really determine how long or short our time on earth is. I believe that a miracle could have happened that night. Giovanni could have survived and he would be here with us... but that particular miracle that we were praying for did not happen. Giovanni did not wake up and he left us on earth. God wanted this beautiful baby back. I suffer here on earth but I cling to the fact that Giovanni is in the loving arms of Mama Mary and Jesus. My baby could not get a better "baby sitter" than that!

Next year is the year of Faith. How apt. I cry "why?" and "Lord give me strength and stronger faith in you" at the same time. Why do these things happen? Why to me? Why Giovanni? So many questions I will never know the answer to while here on earth. I can just trust in God and have Faith. Lord, give grant me the grace to have an enormous amount of faith in you. Faith in your plans for my family. Faith in your will. Faith to be able to say, "The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."