New Beginnings.

It's been 18 days since my sweet baby boy passed. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember details of what happened in the hospital or different fond memories with him. And when I do, I get this anxious feeling inside my stomach, as if I'm riding a roller coaster and my insides are turned to mush. A tugging feeling pulls at my heart and there is nothing I can do about it.

Since Giovanni passed, I would pray to him and even at times make tampo since he did not visit me in my dreams or make paramdam. But then on Sept. 14 on the feast of our Lady of sorrows, I had a dream about him. I was carrying him in my arms and he was smiling up at me. It felt so real. After that, I have not dreamed about him again. I think it was Mama Mary who told him to visit me. It was an assurance that Giovanni was now with her and Jesus and that he was indeed in the best place that he could be in. Giovanni got the better end of the deal in this life since he is now where all of us pray and hope to be. This is my only consolation... that God, Jesus and Mary (along with all our relatives who have gone ahead of us) have got their hands full with this beautiful, loving, sweet, kind and affectionate baby boy that was once mine. Dear Giovanni, my baby Saint Giovanni, always pray and watch over us, especially your Kuya and Ate. We love you so much my dearest.

Faith amidst darkness.

Santi and I have been reading the book about the private writings of Mother Teresa. I've only read a few pages (just started) and am amazed to find out that for the most part of her ministry she was in total darkness. Not physical darkness, but spiritually.  Mother Teresa would often be in anguish that she could not "hear" the Lord speak to her. It was a true test of faith. She did not disappoint. She was truly a living saint.

Sometimes I find myself questioning God.. why? I think this is normal. I do not know the answer, and I do not know when I will find or if I will find out the answer. All I can do is keep my faith and draw strength from people like Mother Teresa who have shown unimaginable courage and strength. I pray everyday that I (and my family and all those deeply affected by our loss) be given this great grace. I am not saying I have it now, but everyday is a chance to work towards it.

New beginnings.

It was becoming increasingly difficult to continue to stay in the home where we had countless memories with our little one. Every little place I remember, and it's not that I am trying to forget, but I just want moving on to be a bit easier. The memories will forever be in my heart and mind. But to be able to somewhat go in the right direction to move on, I believe that moving to a new place is healthier for the whole family. We have been in our new place for 3 days now and it was the right decision to make. Giovanni is still here with us, in our hearts, and we are also able to create a new beginning for our family.

Who knows what the future will be like? Does anyone? All I know is it will be a bright one since Giovanni will be watching over us and guiding us until we see each other again.