New Beginnings.

It's been 18 days since my sweet baby boy passed. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember details of what happened in the hospital or different fond memories with him. And when I do, I get this anxious feeling inside my stomach, as if I'm riding a roller coaster and my insides are turned to mush. A tugging feeling pulls at my heart and there is nothing I can do about it.

Since Giovanni passed, I would pray to him and even at times make tampo since he did not visit me in my dreams or make paramdam. But then on Sept. 14 on the feast of our Lady of sorrows, I had a dream about him. I was carrying him in my arms and he was smiling up at me. It felt so real. After that, I have not dreamed about him again. I think it was Mama Mary who told him to visit me. It was an assurance that Giovanni was now with her and Jesus and that he was indeed in the best place that he could be in. Giovanni got the better end of the deal in this life since he is now where all of us pray and hope to be. This is my only consolation... that God, Jesus and Mary (along with all our relatives who have gone ahead of us) have got their hands full with this beautiful, loving, sweet, kind and affectionate baby boy that was once mine. Dear Giovanni, my baby Saint Giovanni, always pray and watch over us, especially your Kuya and Ate. We love you so much my dearest.

Faith amidst darkness.

Santi and I have been reading the book about the private writings of Mother Teresa. I've only read a few pages (just started) and am amazed to find out that for the most part of her ministry she was in total darkness. Not physical darkness, but spiritually.  Mother Teresa would often be in anguish that she could not "hear" the Lord speak to her. It was a true test of faith. She did not disappoint. She was truly a living saint.

Sometimes I find myself questioning God.. why? I think this is normal. I do not know the answer, and I do not know when I will find or if I will find out the answer. All I can do is keep my faith and draw strength from people like Mother Teresa who have shown unimaginable courage and strength. I pray everyday that I (and my family and all those deeply affected by our loss) be given this great grace. I am not saying I have it now, but everyday is a chance to work towards it.

New beginnings.

It was becoming increasingly difficult to continue to stay in the home where we had countless memories with our little one. Every little place I remember, and it's not that I am trying to forget, but I just want moving on to be a bit easier. The memories will forever be in my heart and mind. But to be able to somewhat go in the right direction to move on, I believe that moving to a new place is healthier for the whole family. We have been in our new place for 3 days now and it was the right decision to make. Giovanni is still here with us, in our hearts, and we are also able to create a new beginning for our family.

Who knows what the future will be like? Does anyone? All I know is it will be a bright one since Giovanni will be watching over us and guiding us until we see each other again.

Happy Birthday, Kuya Santino.

The birthday boy!

Today, our panganay or Kuya Santino turns 4. Happy, happy birthday Kuya. :) We call him our train man since he has had this obsession with anything trains since he was 2 years old! I think it's safe to say that it is now more than just a "fad" and is now an obsession? ha ha. Oh Kuya, you make me so happy.

To be honest, I have bittersweet feelings about today. I am so happy that Kuya is growing up to be such a smart, handsome and energetic little boy. Time flies so fast. But I also am sad that our family will never be complete again for all important days and milestones such as today because Giovanni has passed. I know he is there in spirit and his memory will forever be alive with us, but it's still not the same. I want to be able to be there fully for my other two children... I do not want to deprive them of the mommy that they know and love.... even with Giovanni's passing.

Oh Giovanni, I miss and love you so much. I know that Daddy, Kuya and Ate also miss you so so much. You are always in our thoughts and prayers. Please pray and watch over us always.

My 2 boys: Santino and Giovanni, November 2011

To our darling Santino, we are so so proud of you anak. Continue to take care of all of us here and bring laughter to our boring days. Be assured that baby Giovanni is watching over you and is giving you a big hug and kiss from heaven.

Goodbye, Giovanni.

Yesterday we buried my sweet, sweet baby boy. Our little bunso, Giovanni.
I love you so much Giovanni!!!!!!

Eulogy for Giovanni Paolo+

September 1, 2012

Honestly, I don’t know what to say. I never in my wildest imagination ever thought I would find myself in this situation. I feel like I’m watching a sad movie and I’m the main character. I feel like this is all a dream and I will suddenly wake up and find Giovanni sitting beside me on our bed, waiting for me to give him his bottle of milk.

Whenever I look at you, pictures or at things that you used Giovanni, my tummy feels like it’s tied in knots and there is a very heavy feeling tugging at my heart. I guess that is what heartache feels like.  My heart aches Giovanni, that I can no longer hold you in my arms and kiss your chubby feet or stubby hands. My heart aches, Giovanni, that I wont be able to see your dimpled smile or hear your cute cute laugh. My heart aches Giovanni, that I will not ever see you again reach out to me and say “Mama” when you want to be carried. My heart aches Giovanni, that I will not see your big eyes staring so lovingly at me again. My heart aches Giovanni and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I love you so much Giovanni. I always tell people that you are my sweetest baby. From the moment you popped out of my womb and I saw you for the first time, I could already see your kind and gentle soul. You never gave me a hard time in all your 1 year and 9 days of life. At just 5 months you would already sleep through the night giving me the much needed rest that I needed. You would not cry or complain unless you were really hungry or were in dire need of a diaper change. You didn’t mind when your Kuya and Ate would pinch your chubby cheeks and say “you’re so cuuuuute!” or when Kuya and Ate would be so rough especially when giving you a big bear hug. You didn’t mind when I dressed you up in a monkey costume made of wool for Halloween, or when I would tie your then long hair into a high ponytail making you look like a Japanese baby samurai. I love you Giovanni.

You came unexpectedly into our lives (just 1 year & 3 months after Ate) and left, just as unexpectedly. But for the whole 1 year and 9 days with us, you filled those days with lots and lots of love.  I am grateful that we got to have that special spur of the moment family vacation in Boracay (which was a trip of many firsts for you) and especially that we got to celebrate your 1^st birthday with all our family and friends. It was a simple celebration, but the people that mattered most were all accounted for. It was as if you already knew you would be gone soon and so you gave us numerous memories filled with special moments with you. I love you Giovanni.

Seeing all the people here and everyone that visited over the past few days, not to mention the countless emails, calls, texts, tweets and FB messages, it just goes to show how much you have touched people in your brief life on earth.  You truly are such a special baby. So special, that God wanted to take you early so you could already be with Him in heaven. I am so very grateful to have been chosen to be your mama. My life is infinitely blessed because I was able to call you mine. I thank God for giving you to me Giovanni, even for just a short time.

I love you so so so much my baby boy. I will never ever forget you. Please watch over us always my little saint. I still don’t know how I will cope without you, but I know you will help me get through everyday. See you in my dreams for now Giovanni, until we meet again. I love you. 

Love always and forever, Mama.

I love you my baby. Until we see each other again.